Dont Touch The Merchandise !
by darthjag
Summary: The zany chronicles of our favorite trench coat wearing plaga infested arms dealer.
1. Meet my little friend !

The eerie light's flickered occasionally within the elevator corridor , a loud almost muffled breathing noise taking precedence over the usual background noise .

Of course the hallways only occupant didn't notice this , The Merchant humming a merry tune seemed oblivious to everything around him . His trench coat jostled from his movement and the clinking and clacking of his various armaments calmed his soul .

You can never have to many gun's was his personal motto and in this case it was **very** true.

Stepping out from a corner though was a large, pasty skinned creature. It's razor sharp teeth glinting in the (earlier mentioned) eerie light.

Of course the Merchant isn't the brightest biscuit in the barrel , so to speak. As such he believes that this foreboding thing is a customer (Hey , he sells to Leonardo DiCaprio look alike and people who can turn into giant fleshy spiders , this thing wasn't **that** out of the ordinary ).

"Welcome" ! He cried, beckoning to the slowly advancing creature .

Taking no notice the Regenerator continued it's shuffle . Noting that his potential customer was kinda slow he approached.

In reply to the Merchants movement the Regenerator took a swipe at him , claws scraping across our black clad heroes chest.

Usually this would be a fatal wound , but to a being with a Plaga nestled happily inside him it was nought but a scratch .

"No breaking the merchandise" snarled the Aussie / British salesman , his red eyes glowing in anger.

After a few seconds (and no response or apology) the Merchant decided to take things into his own hands .

"Oh , the aggressive type aye …well say hello to my little friends" ! He yelled, pulling **TWO **Chicago Typewriters out from his coat. He then unleashed the entire contents of it's awesome unlimited bullet power into the Regenerator.

Usually one would need an Infrared scope to identify and then destroy the small leech like Plagas within a Regenerators body. Of course who needs precision when you can just fill the creature with so many holes it makes Swiss cheese look at it with envy .

The Merchant grumbled to himself as he walked away form the pile of goop, the remains of the Regenerator staining the floor.

He'd have to curb these 'trigger happy' tendencies or he may fill his next customer full of lead…..


	2. Blondes and Grenades

Grenades

Oh how he despised Grenades

The dim-witted customer seemed to do nothing **but** sell him grenades.

"I 'ave no use for these" he growled thrusting the fistful of frag grenades back at the 'secret agent' who seemed to think wearing a highly noticeable black outfit within a rural village would disguise him. A single grenade escaped from the clump , accidentally hitting the girl with the large chest on the forehead rather forcibly .

"Ouch , that hurt" whined Ashley rubbing the spot where the explosive had hit her.

"Sorry kid" mumbled the only Brit/Aussie to ever grace the fine land of Theauthordoesn'tknowwherebutit'sgottabeinspainsomewhere . He absent mindedly searched for some kind of candy to give to the girl , she looked like she was about to burst into tears.

"Here ya go miss " spoke the Merchant in his most charming voice, he handed her a toxic green lollipop before patting her on the head. Disgruntled, Ashley looked at the sugary snack and then the Merchant her glare going from light to full on 'melt through a steel wall' when it hit the seller of weapons .

"I am twenty you know" .

"Really" ? Questioned the Merchant , he'd swear she was sixteen…..although her rather sizable …ahem bosom proved otherwise. No sixteen year old could have rack like that ……

Shaking his head clear of the risqué thoughts he decided to try it once more . "Look mate , I'm not walking around like some living bomb , end of story".

"I need the money though" wailed Leon , tears forming in the corner of his eyes threatening to ruin his mascara.

"Why **do** you need this money Leon" ? Asked Ashley . Usually she would just leave Leon to his little 'Bargain for the weapons of death' game . But all this waiting was really starting to get on her nerves.

"To buy the infinite launcher of course" he replied his eyes closed and a bright smile on his face , that rocket launcher would look perfect with hi-

WHAM

"Now, far be it for me to challenge your wise , wise judgment miss" wheezed the merchant having lost a large amount of oxygen simply from the **force** of the blow "but why did you knock my best customer out" ?

"Because he was being stupid"

This was the only answer the arms dealer got , he accepted it with far more ease then any rational human should have. But then again what rational human would have a 'wormy thing' (in the words of his most faithful yet stupid customer) implanted inside of him ?

His nimble hands sifted through the dark recesses of his trench coat , after all if the girl could knock out a heavily trained secret agent in a single blow well….perhaps she deserved a discount……..

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A healthy does of Leon bashing and Merchant fear , just what the doctor ordered :D


End file.
